


Blame

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: By Which I Mean a Queen of Unnecessary and Excessive Guilt, Gen, Mary Is A Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 18:12:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8337679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: After reading John's journal, Mary finds Sam to talk some things out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Post from @dctoralangrant on Tumblr:  
> "Imagine Mary’s reaction when she finds out about Jess"
> 
> And then this happened.

Mary finished the journal. Dean had told her John changed, but the journal really slammed that home to her. In the beginning, when there were more notes about the boys than about the hunt, she could still see the love of her life. Over time, that faded. At the end, John reminded her more of her father and her cousins than the man she’d married.

Sam had promised to talk if she wanted. She owed Sam an explanation and apology for all of this, too. Things with Dean were awkward - he still saw her as the perfect mommy he remembered from being four, and while she wanted him to see past that, part of her selfishly wanted to keep Dean's Mommy alive, too. Dean's Mommy had been normal. But Sam... Sam didn't remember her at all. There was no image of her to be destroyed by her confession.

She went looking for Sam, smiling when she found him in the library with a giant cup of coffee and an even more giant book. “Dean tells me you went to Stanford?”

Sam set aside the book and smiled at her. “Full ride scholarship, would’ve done law school – probably also on a full ride with my GPA, LSAT score, and financial situation. Except that right around the time I needed to start doing interviews and stuff, Dad went missing and I got dragged back into the life.”

“Wow. What happened to your father? I got a pretty good idea of the story up until that point, and Dean told me that you eventually tracked down that demon and killed it. Where did John go?”

Sam shook his head. “You know, I never did get a satisfactory answer on that. He abandoned a hunt, abandoned Dean, because he finally got a big break on Yellow Eyes. Still took him months to actually find the thing, and Dean and I only caught up with him at the very end of it.” He took a sip of his coffee and gave Mary a sad smile. “Then Yellow Eyes escaped, we got in a car wreck, Dean died and John sold his soul to bring Dean back.”

“Selling souls. Family tradition, apparently.” Mary stared at the table. She couldn’t look at her son. “Sammy, I am so sorry. All of this, it’s my fault. I made a deal with that thing, because John was dead. He told me he would come back in ten years and all he needed was permission. That nobody would get hurt. And I believed him.” She glanced up to see tears in Sam’s eyes, and swallowed hard. “Mom and Dad were dead and he wouldn’t bring them back, but I’d have John, and I could be done with hunting forever. My kids wouldn’t grow up in the life. At the time, it seemed like a great deal, but it wasn’t.”

“Mom.” Sam got up and came around the table to hug her. “Mom, don’t do this to yourself. You didn’t know what you were agreeing to. If you’d stayed asleep, not found Yellow Eyes in my nursery, it would’ve all been okay for twenty more years. Cas keeps telling me that some of the idiot mistakes I made, I need to let go of, that there’s way too much blame to spread around for me to try to take all of it. So I’m passing that advice on to you. You made a mistake. I don’t know what else you have to give to make up for it. I mean, you died. And Dean and I turned into hunters.” He let go of Mary and crouched beside her, looking in her eyes. “And trust me, Yellow Eyes would never have just let it go with that. He’d have done something to make me into a killer. My whole life, he had demons watching me. When I went to Stanford…” Sam cut off and wiped away some tears.

“Sam?”

“At Stanford, I had a friend. Good friend. He got possessed by a demon and introduced me to this amazing girl. You’d have loved Jess. But when Dad went missing…” Sam paused again, trying to find the words. “November 2, 2005. I got in bed after going on a hunt with Dean – one hunt, looking for Dad, and then I was back to college boy law school preparations. Closed my eyes, opened them to see Jess on the ceiling, burning. Just like the stories Dean told me about how you died.”

“So you got back into hunting to get revenge for Jess?” She’d known there was more to the story than just because his family was hunters, but to find out the truth… that was horrifying. Her son had watched the woman he loved die.

“At the time, yeah. Track down Yellow Eyes, get revenge for you, for Jess, and then I was back out. But then Dean had to sell his soul to bring me back, and then there was the Apocalypse… Mom, I know you didn’t want this for us. You don’t want this for us. But Dean and I… we’re good at this. This is our life. As long as I have Dean, this is what I want. Because we do so much good out there.” He smiled ruefully. “It can’t ever make up for the mistakes I’ve made, but it can at least try to even the score.”

“There are other ways to do good, you know. Like being a lawyer.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sam nodded. “The thing is, there are a lot of people who can be lawyers. Or doctors. Or mechanics. Hunting is something that nobody wants to sign up for, a lot of people who do end up signing up can’t hack it, but someone needs to be out there protecting innocent people from the things in the darkness. I can do this. Dean and me, we’re good at this. And I’ve changed. I’m not the kid rebelling against the father he could never be good enough for. I really do love my job, now.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I cursed you, Sam. I’m sorry about Jess.”

“Yeah, well, when you hear all the things I’ve got to be sorry for… I know this is jarring, coming back to find your worst nightmare come true. And Mom? I forgive you. Entirely. If you’d been alive, it really wouldn’t have changed much. Jess died because Yellow Eyes wanted me on the road, hunting, to prepare me to win this stupid competition to be the Boy King of Hell. He’d have found a way to get me out there. And it had to be me, it couldn’t have been anyone else, because the real plan all along was to raise Lucifer, and that… that had to be me. Your deal? Yellow Eyes set that up to create me. This was never in our hands.”

“But I still made the deal. I said yes and sealed it with a kiss.”

Sam shrugged. “Hardly the worst mistake a Winchester’s ever made, Mom. I mean it. Don’t beat yourself up for this, and don’t you dare think I blame you for anything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments will be donated to the Give Sam Therapy and a Puppy fund.


End file.
